My darlin'
You sit perched on the edge of your world.
Weaving the lasso
Dangling your feet
174 beats
you are serene chaos
I made a pact with the moon that,
until you lassoed it,
I'd keep it company.
Company in the form of words
Company in the form of drugs we've never tried before
Because hey, maybe if I feel what you feel in a curated way,
I'd be able to fully explain myself.
Perhaps I have yet to let you know that I am different now
An anarchist lost in a chaotic neutral cycle of debauchery and expensive tea
A nihilist in that; I hate that music
But its the only thing that keeps me sane
gliding on a 174 plane
I couldn't skip a beat
You balance banter
Like butter
Silk silver tongue
It was more appealing when they were young
But they've aged now
Waited and waited
While you played your mistakes out
Wrong wording, wrong timing
You're a slave now
To a friendship where they're your boss
He calls the orders and the shots
So you escape town
On the fringe of her bangs
You can't help but feel the panic
Are you a jester or a joker?
or a relief for her manic
Time is running out so you provoke her
She's tired but she finds you funny
So she plays the song
And plays along
It's not the same thing
But she says your thoughts are stunning
your words still leave her alone
stuck looking for a signal or a status
A note of a general peering through the stratus
Ripped apart her thighs to fit in a perfect pair of blue shorts
or was it a yellow dress
Really it was all an impress,
foulant banter why'd you throw me under the bus?
Running across fields
To be soaked in rain
Letting them be confused again
Why is the Jack still in his hand?
Why wont he take a stand?
Woven cardigan
A symbol of effort
but again
Fever dream
light steam
off the back of my neck
I honestly wished i hadn't double checked
double backed, double shot, doubled down just to transcend
Je ne comprend pas tu parle vu avec
That guy who never really tried to take a sec
But since you have to know...
Let's put it all back, per spec
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
I WAS RIGHT FUCKING THERE
BEGGING
But that's all behind us now
isn't it Sasaki?
I find the edge of the earth
running from a big black bull, with charcoal eyes
You're sitting on the edge trying to disguise
your despise
You're familiar
the way a mirror is familiar
and so I sit
Little didn't i think i was on the brink
an arcade fire booming
a modern man freed into a cage of a body
I wanted to tell you you're it
You're the insomniance.
The endless search for sleep
You're the amnesiac
The counterfeit productivity
The flexibility of my sadness
The chasm
The fall and the fly
The novice in the room who has my subliminal allegiance
The night light that kept me aflight
Afloat? Sinking and sinking
Too much thinking
So I wrote, wrote, wrote
Goddammit.... flies on the wall
So many fucking flies on the wall
Indigo socks in the corner
Missing lighter
Fighter jet maniac
Come here, sit down!
Sit down, Come here!
I asked you if it was okay for me to come in
I wanted you to say no!
But then I would have wanted you to say why
then when
then again you never did say anything to me about me
just to them about your friend
or was it your foe
or was it just another window
for the necessary blow
quickly! your ambitions might stay beneath the fingernails
you want to get saved by life
not in the way you think and it's deafening
you want tragedy to lick behind your ears
like all your fears alike
You want them run towards you like lightening
with a sudden discipline, threshold
a balance just for you
so that you can write again, so you can feel again
so that somehow you can show her you can
but can you?
Write motion, wrong girl.
Right words, left behind.
Clementine?
Clementine!
Why are you writing like you regret something?
Because I don't
Because I did
Because I want to again
Because what else are we supposed to do
Do you though?
Perhaps it's more the idea of ideation losing its own touch on me
Happy Birthday.
You will see it, when you see it.
You will feel it, if you want.
I do, genuinely appreciate you.
Whether you know it or not.
Whether you believe it or not.
I've abandoned the part of me that
Yielded at the thought of doubt
I've grown nibble almost submissive
to allowing and even admiring the drowning
of non believers
conversations about convincing mothers and friends
have grown calloused in yet another attempt
at being decent
I'm not Hide.
I made a pact with the moon
until you lassoed it,
I'd keep it company.
Company in the form of words
Company in the form of drugs we've never tried before
Because hey, maybe if I feel what you feel in a curated way,
I'd be able to fully explain myself.
Until then, I hope you get everything you want.
Even the things you don't think you deserve.
If I could have it back
All the time that we wasted
I’d only waste it again
If I could have it back
All of the time that we've wasted
You know I would love to waste it again
Waste it again and again and again
I forgot to ask
Sometimes I can’t believe it
I’m moving past the feeling again
The moon told me your secrets
That we worship in the same way
Get lost in the same way
Die everyday in the same way
Live to die in the passive tone
the blame game, the trap
the commitment to the routine
the desperate panting
the screaming from beneath your skin
saw you do a line and I wanted line
saw you live a lie and I wanted a lie
The Moon told me your secrets
Apparently we are insane in the same way
Quiet in the same way
Nobody forgot your fucking Birthday
27/04/24
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