I promised myself I wouldn't be this person.
The one who waits... The one who worries... The one who is lied to.
I promised myself I'd be a stand alone. A force that reconciles all the previous times I felt miniature,
I would be my own. I would be my own shoulder to cry on. My own person to vent to. My own bestfriend. My own happiness.
But here I am.
Still a little weak. Still a little sad. Still a little hopeful.
You see.... Don't get me wrong. I am absolutely and irrevocably in love and what that means is I have found someone that lights up my life with the intensity of a million suns. No. A billion suns. However, I've also inevitably magnified my insecurities by a billion as well.
I had the saddest thought the other day.... 'what does everyone say when they see him walking with this mammoth of a girl?' No... seriously what do they think? Is he feeling sorry for her? Is he a creep like that? Was it forced? And I wonder....Is he feeling sorry for me? Is he a creep like that? Does he feel forced to be with me?
Before we dated, I remember the way he used to talk about girls and well.... the girls he'd like to date. Yeah let's just say I dont even come close to the ugly version of them. He wanted someone exotic. Green eyes. Smoking body. Personality. Sporty. Smart. CAN SWIM WITH FUCKING DOLPHINS..... but here he is with me. Lumpy, awkward, fat, flawed, broken, CANNOT SWIM FOR SHIT...me.
And that scares me. It scars me too. I wonder if I'm what he settled for. The second or fifth option on his list.
I'm even more terrified that this is all in my head. Because everything I'm feeling has already decided that its all true. That he settled. That he talks about me to the squad. That he trashes me. That he has to later explain that it was all a drunken mistake and unfortunately he can't chew his arm off. I'm terrified that I'm wrong because that means he loves me. But how because I don't? I'm afraid that I don't love me so much that I could create a whole other him that doesn't love me too. I'm scared that my insecurity is strong enough to ruin the one thing I've always wanted.
How will I rise from my own ashes after that? How can I look at my own embers and say it was worth it? How can I be proud of who I am when I am my own torturer? My own enemy? My own obstacle? How can I give love when I am empty? How can I do justice to my one when I insist on making him a non existent bad guy?
How will I rise from this?
By: Clementine Anne Strachan
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